Growing up in a very white suburb of the Twin Cities and never having learned my parents’ native languages, I’ve always felt a bit disconnected from my Asian heritage. My father is Hmong, having immigrated to the United States in his late teens, and my mother is from China, having moved here after marrying my father. All my life I have been surrounded by languages that feel so comforting yet unfamiliar. While I had a decent understanding of what is being spoken to me, because I was never able to respond in complete phrases or full sentences, I always felt that I was somehow “not a real Asian” or “not really Hmong/Chinese”. 

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When I first started at St. Olaf, I had every intention to take Spanish all four years and hopefully travel abroad to a Spanish speaking country. I thought I might never have the opportunity to learn Chinese in a formal setting after college, so I decided to take Chinese 111 on a whim (with plans to start Spanish in the spring). Very quickly I noticed that learning Chinese was fun and engaging and it soon became my favorite class. The material was interesting and the class was taught in a manner that allowed me to feel motivated and accomplished. I remember calling my mom during my first semester to practice for my oral midterm and how much joy we both felt being able to connect and communicate. This excitement to learn and connect to my heritage only increased as I continued taking Chinese and Asian Studies classes. 

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My journey through the Asian Studies major and in understanding Asia has been impacted by both academic and extracurricular experiences. Looking back over the last four years at St. Olaf, most of the friends I’ve made have some connection to the Asian Studies Department. Both through classes and co-curricular organizations, I’ve been able to find a community of friends who either share a similar identity experience or who are also interested in learning more about Asia and Asian culture. In addition to my own class year of students, I’ve had many upperclassmen friends who were great influences in helping me explore new topics and recommending classes to take. One course in particular was the Asian Conversations program and interim study abroad. With Spanish out of the picture, I was still interested in studying abroad and continuing in Chinese allowed me to qualify for the program my sophomore year. 

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The week before the Asian Conversations interim program was scheduled to begin, I flew to Beijing to visit my mother’s side of the family and stay with them for a few days. While I’ve had the amazing opportunity to visit China a few times growing up, this new journey was completely on my own. At this point I had only taken Chinese at St. Olaf for a year and a half, and I was nervous about how well I could communicate. While I tried my best to understand and respond in my limited vocabulary, I learned that communication is much more than just words and grammar structures. Oftentimes we would use head nods and hand gestures to signal simple messages, but we could also convey our feelings through making and sharing food together, and helping out with chores around the house. 

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It’s hard for me to express the emotions and memories I carry from these few days with my family. Because my parents are divorced, while I have countless relatives on my father’s side of the family, I hardly ever interact with them. With my mother’s family all residing in China, my household consists of my mother, my sister, and myself. One of the most cherished memories I hold from my study abroad is sitting at a large table with my aunt and uncle, their children, my grandparents, and other family friends, all sharing a meal together. While I was limited in my conversation skills, I never felt excluded. If anything, being surrounded by a large family who welcomed and supported me reaffirmed my sense of belonging. I felt that no matter my language abilities, I am and will always be Chinese. During the actual interim trip, I was able to experience a similar feeling while sitting at a large table, surrounded by my friends and classmates who I felt a strong bond with. 

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In addition, my experience being able to study abroad for three weeks in Shanghai for the actual interim program allowed me to explore how I view myself as an Asian American as well as challenged me to apply my language skills in more colloquial and practical ways. In a conversation with an elderly man at a local park, I was asked if I was from Korea. He noticed that I looked Asian but heard that my language skills were not that of a native Chinese speaker. In my mind, I don’t think he would have ever placed me as an American. Growing up, I often experienced the conflict of being too Asian to be American and being too American to be Asian. As brief and insignificant as this moment was, the feeling that I still carry has led me to further question my positionality and identity as an Asian American. 

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One course I am currently taking that has helped me sort through more of this question is Wong Laoshi’s Asia in America class. Especially following the events after George Flyod’s murder and the rise in anti-Asian hate crimes, this class has helped me to not only connect with and share my opions with many others who share my identity, but also to learn about the vast and varied experiences and histories of Asians in America across many Asian nationalities and ethnicities. 

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Looking at China, Modern Chinese Literature and China Past and Present have been two courses that have deepened my understanding on the history and culture of China. More broadly, the Asian Conversations program and the seminar on Engendering Modern East Asia has provided me with the most content to shape my understanding and image of Asia. While projects in AsianCon tried to widen our scope of “Asia,” I do feel that my selected courses have been predominantly focused on China and other East Asian countries. 

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Less formally associated with the Asian Studies department, but still very relevant to my development and understanding of myself and the concept of Asia and Asian American has been my involvement with Asian cultural organizations on campus. Starting in freshman year, I was heavily involved in the Korean Culture Association (KCA) and participated in the Lunar New Year celebration. Because I never had family in the United States that celebrate Lunar New Year, the past three years at St. Olaf has created a new connection to my identity, new traditions and experiences, and a community to celebrate East/Southeast Asian culture with! It wasn’t until junior year that I joined the Chinese Culture Club (CCC) and the Hmong Culture Outreach (HCO). Taking Chinese language classes and traveling abroad to China helped me to already establish a tie to my Chinese cultural identity. Since the divorce of my parents, I have had very little to no engagement with my Hmong heritage. Joining HCO and performing at the Hmong New Year celebration helped me to reconnect with that half of my identity. Through performance and dance I have found creative outlets for my self expression. In coursework both within and outside of the Asian Studies major, I have discovered other mediums to embody creativity and my identity journey. 

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Because my other major is based primarily on scholarly writing, I have become accustomed to writing analytical research papers. In taking Professor Montgomery’s class on China Past and Present, the assignment to write historical fiction essays presented a surprisingly challenging task. These essays pushed me to write outside of my comfort zone and learn how to incorporate creativity into my work. I found myself learning how to mix both academic research materials with personal emotions and perspectives. 

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Outside of the Asian Studies department, this past fall I took a ceramics class and for the first project titled Confluent Culture, I made a set of hand-built bowls that reflected the two major cultures I identify with. One bowl was carved with a series of Hmong embroidery symbols representing family and love; another bowl was carved with the Chinese characters for love, heart, family, and fortune. The final bowl displayed the outline of two children holding hands, one standing next to the Hmong embroidery symbols and the other next to the Chinese characters. Before this class I had never worked with clay to create actual pieces. I found that the hand building, carving, and glazing processes are very time consuming and a labor of love. Working with this theme helped me to reflect upon the meaning behind the symbols I was carving into the clay. The detail and uniformity required to embroider and paint brush strokes to convey a message has so much history and meaning beyond the simple visual. 

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One area of growth during my time in the Asian Studies department has definitely been writing. In collecting materials for this distinction project, I dug through some of my old writing from freshman and sophomore year. While writing has never been my strong suit and is still a challenge for me, I do see a huge growth in my skills to analyze other materials and express my thoughts. In particular, I reread my research paper on tea from AsianCon sophomore year and my research paper on revolutionary women from the History/Asian Studies seminar I took junior year. Even though these two papers were written one year apart, the development in my ability to engage with and critically analyze primary sources in translation as well as other secondary and tertiary sources is hopefully evident. 

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After graduation, I am hoping to enter the field of public health, both through work experience and eventually graduate school. Ideally I want to work in a nonprofit, or education organization that helps provide health care information, education, and resources to underserved communities. Specific target groups that are important to me include low-income Asian and immigrant communities. For the time being, I have been offered a position with the AmeriCorp program Minnesota Alliance with Youth, and would be working as a Promise Fellow mentoring underserved middle/high school students who need additional support, and hopefully assisting in creating equitable educational opportunities. 

 

One of the biggest non-academic takeaways from my time in the Asian Studies department has been learning that family and identity are chosen and created. I can easily say that taking Chinese 111 freshmen year was the first step in my journey to explore and construct my Asian American identity and my understanding of Asia. On this note, I want to express my gratitude to the Asian Studies and Chinese departments for the opportunity to explore my own heritage and learn about the larger scope of Asia, as well as for facilitating and supporting my academic journey over the last four years. 

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Thank you.